You’re a grown ass adult.

But there’s one way to be sure that you don’t feel like an adult…creeping through the house of a parent or relative, semi-naked, in the middle of the night, on a mission to get laid.

‍

I have a pretty conservative family. I’m literally only now, after 2 years of being in a steady relationship, allowed to sleep in the same room as my partner in my family home. I’m 28. And even if you don’t have this kind of BS to deal with, we all know that the post sex visit to the bathroom can be just as fraught. (“Hey mum! Oh, this stain on my T-shirt? That’s just… errr… toothpaste…”)

‍

And while feeling like a naughty teenager can add a frisson, being caught in the act by Great Aunt Mabel is far from an aphrodisiac. I’ve been there. And I’m going to help you get through it. (Also, I’m really sorry Great Aunt Mabel.) So whether you’re back at the ranch because it’s the festive season, or you’re meeting your other half’s relatives for the first (or fiftieth time), I’m going to show you how to navigate the tricky waters of f**cking in the family home.

‍

1. Embrace the Spirit of Stealth

Let’s be honest. The thrill of sneaking around can be exciting. Look for quick opportunities for intimacy: Sneak outside to “take some air” (whilst furiously making out), slip onto the balcony and do more than hold hands, get steamy in the shower. Snatched moments like these build anticipation for what’s to come later.

2. Schedule Your 'Us' Time

Carve out time for each other. You might have to be a bit more strategic, planning your intimate moments when the house is less crowded or when everyone else is busy with holiday activities. Early mornings or late nights can be great (but watch out for Dad’s nocturnal fridge raid if you’re getting your kit off in the kitchen.)

3. Get Creative with Locations

If the bedroom you’re in is too close for comfort, think of alternative spots where you can have some privacy. (My partner’s bedroom in her family home is sandwiched between both of her parent’s rooms - they’ve not slept in the same room for years - The walls are thin. PAPER thin.) So what about an unused guest room? A locked bathroom? Or even a heated car parked in the garage? (Needs must guys.)

4. Keep Noise to a Minimum

Be mindful of noise. It’s probably not the time for your best impression of a p*rn star. (Unless you really like awkward breakfasts.) Instead, focus on quieter, more sensual experiences. Or kinky but silent scenes (ball gag anyone?) A noise limitation can definitely lead to more intense, focused encounters. Don’t forget also that music can go a long way to masking other noises. (Top tip: play music regularly, not just when you’re getting down to business. Otherwise, it’s really obvious what’s going on.)

5. Use the Festivities to Your Advantage

The holidays offer plenty of distractions that you can use to find some alone time. Volunteer for errands that need a car trip, take a romantic walk to see the neighborhood lights, or offer to walk the family dog together (Figure out first what to do with the dog. Doing doggy-style whilst being observed by an actual dog is off-putting. So I hear.)

6. Bring the Right Accessories

Pack your luggage with the holiday season in mind. Include items that enhance your intimacy but don’t draw attention if they’re spotted by nosy relatives. Think massage oils, your portable speaker, scarves (if you want an innocuous way of doing some restraint play.) By all means pack the festive lingerie to raise the holiday spirits, but keep that stuff, and anything more obviously sex related, well packed away. (If you’re looking for ideas of a new toy to try, take a look at our Sex Toy deep dive for ideas.)

7. Communicate with Subtlety

Develop cues or codes with your partner to subtly communicate that you need to get your freak on without letting everyone else in on it. A specific touch, a look, or an innocent phrase can be your secret signal for wanting some alone time. (“Time for some Netflix and chill” is NOT an innocent phrase.)

8. Respect the House Rules

What we should say here is respect the rules of the house you’re in. If you have conservative family members, or you’re in a house with strict rules, then wait until you’re back in your own space. That’s what we should say. What we’re actually going to say is…don’t get caught.

9. Enjoy Non-Physical Intimacy

Remember, intimacy isn’t just about physical encounters. Deep conversations, shared jokes, emotional support. They’re all super important. Enjoy these aspects of your relationship, especially during a family-centric time like being back home during the holidays or for a family visit.

10. Keep Expectations Realistic

Understand that you might not be able to have the same level of physical intimacy as you do in your own home. Keep your expectations realistic. This will help prevent frustration allowing you to enjoy the holiday season without undue stress. Have a chat with your partner before you get to wherever you’re going. Make sure you’re both on the same page and you understand what the lay of the land is likely to be.

Depending on you or your partner’s relationship with your/their family, having any kind of sex in the family home might be a very unsexy proposition. And if that’s the case, don’t put any pressure on. Sex when only one person is into it is one of the least sexy things there is. So respect where you and your partner are at. If you want to have a conversation in advance about sex in the family homes, why not send your partner this article to begin talking…

11. Being far apart doesn’t mean you can’t have fun

We can’t always be together during the holidays. But that doesn’t mean that our intimacy has to stop. Check out our guide to phone sex (old school, right?) The tips in that guide are also applicable, with a bit of tweaking, to video sex and sex texting.

‍

Conclusion

Navigating sex during the holidays whilst staying with family requires a mix of discretion, respect, and creativity. By using your time wisely and finding joy and excitement in little moments of intimacy, it’s possible to maintain a strong connection with your partner without disrupting the family harmony. Remember, the holidays are about love and connection in all its forms. If you follow the guide above, you should be able to navigate wholesome family fun and slip in some naughtier moments too.

Happy F**king holidays!

With love from,GASM’s Horny Intern